Thursday, January 23, 2014

Build Me Up Buttercup

Why do you build me up, just to let me down.  Here I am, the moment I have been waiting for.  It is time for round 3.  I planned ahead.  I have a sub coming to take care of my classroom.  I have assignments ready for me to be absent.  I ate all the bad stuff (candy) left on my desk so that I could start another week of salads and protein.  Carly scheduled work to be off and we made the run to Chick fil a to get some polynesian sauce with a side of nuggets.  We arrived before time for the treatment and were asked back to a room instead of the chemo dock.  My doctor came in and broke the bad news.  I was not going to get chemo today.  Seems that my white counts were down and it would be pretty dangerous health wise for me to take chemo on top of that.  My bone marrow it seems needs another week to build up again.  So after talking and rescheduling, I will extend my cancer journey one week longer than expected.  Treatments will begin again next Thursday. 

Expectations.  They really can kill you.  In relationships expectations are what cause the biggest fights. It was hard to not just sit there and weep over not getting the chemo treatment today.  I wanted to fight back and say, "I don't care if my counts are low, give me the chemicals."  But I know that God has a plan and He is not ready for the next treatment for me.  I have to accept that.  In my relationship with my wife, I have expectations.  She does too.  And you know what, they don't always match.  Unmet expectations can be the most frustrating situations in life.  It was really hard today to have unmet expectations.  This is probably why many relationships suffer when it comes to God.  We expect God to do this and that.  We expect our lives to be certain ways if we do our part in the relationship.  That is just not how life works.  God's got expectations too.  I expected to get a chemo treatment today.  God expected me to leave without a chemo treatment.  He also expected me to buy 8 cowboy cookies and 6 mardi gras cookies from Broadstreet.  He expected Carly and I to see our friend Laura.  He expected us to go visit my own school Chastain and visit with some very dear friends of mine.  He expects me to have another week where I don't feel bad and I don't have the fear of feeling bad.  He expected me to watch the last Parenthood until Feb. 27 and record a podcast with full energy and excitement.  That's what He expected.

So why should we get angry with unmet expectations?  Yes there is disappointment that must come in many situations.  But why not roll with the punches?  Why not say, "no chemo treatment, alright! a full week of feeling great!"  Why not take the disappointments and look for the silver linings?  Forget the worry about having your expectations met, because in the end they won't be.  Don't worry about the ends, because He wouldn't plan the ends without planning the means.  In the end, the cancer will be gone and if those expectations are not met, I am still going to be where I am now, safe in the care of the Savior.

"The best things in life are unexpected, because there are no expectations."  - Eli Khamarov

"Well this day's been crazy, but everything's happened on schedule.  From the rain and the cold, to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.  'Cause You knew how You'd save me before I fell dead in the garden.  And you knew this day long before You made me out of dirt.  And you know the plans that You have for me.  And You can't plan the end and not plan the means.  And so I suppose I just need some peace, Just to get me to sleep."  -  Caedmon's Call (Table for Two)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the flowers of the field grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you - you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, 'what shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  - Matthew 6:25-34

4 comments:

  1. Again, beautiful.

    That passage from Mark is my favorite part of the entire bible.

    -Derek

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  2. I love the part about worrying not adding a single hour to your life. I say that verse to myself whenever I'm tempted to worry. Love you.

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  3. Such a letter brings great joy to our Lord. It also brings that same joy to each of us that read and share your trust in our Almighty God. Thank you Derek for sharing your day of triumph over human tragedy turned to victory. One of my favorite verses in times of testing is Psalm 119:92-94

    "Unless Your law had been my delight,
    I would then have perished in my affliction.
    I will never forget Your precepts.
    For by them You have given me life.
    I am Yours, save me.
    For I have sought Your precepts."

    I am privileged Derek,to pray for His strength and peace, as you grow moment by moment, maturing in His image.

    Mary Lawrence

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